Nurses

Nurses...

are a pain in my rear end.

think they are God's gift to the universe.

can't see past the end of their noses.

think that they are the ONLY ones who do anything for a patient.

treat everyone else like they are annoying little ants that should be SQUISHED....

quickly.

OK. I'll stop now.

The Day I Lost My Voice

"He's dead." I told her. My second grade friend.

Gone.
On an otherwise ordinary day.

The plot thickened and with every word I sealed my fate
and with every wandering of my tongue, her eyes bored into my head as if she was desperately trying to find me in the shadows
or perhaps herself.

A deer, caught in the headlights
seeking connection and feeling shame in the wanting.

Knowing

you can't fill a well that leaks
but finding solace in trying.

When You Hand Your Social Worker an Elephant

Here, take my elephant, she said. I don't want him anymore.

I'm done! I'm tired! (I've heard this before.)

You're the Social Worker she said, You know what to do.

Just give him away. I don't care. I'm through!!

I looked at my friend and said with a sigh.

Your elephant's a doozy. He's a really big guy.

I can't take him away. He's yours to keep.

So leave him outside and get some sleep.

Wherever you go, no matter how far.

Your elephant will find you wherever you are.

We all have elephants, I said with a smile.

They take us on journeys, there's no denial.

The thing to remember, the thing that is true

is that God made this elephant especially for you.

As you live with your elephant and teach him to mind

his strength will become yours and God's love you will find.

So here is your elephant, I'm giving him back.

My love and support you never will lack.

My Winter in Rock Canyon

I want to get out of here.....
I want to blow this popsicle stand,
walk out that door and never look back.
I want to feel the sun on my face on a hot day in July.
I want to feel the press of people around me when I shop for Christmas presents in December.
I want to accidently burn the chicken in MY oven, in MY apartment just before my family comes to visit me on a sweet Sunday.

I want to live.....

I am David battling Goliath on a slippery slope.
I am Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz....
"You have always had the power to go home." she said.
Just follow the yellow brick road and........

I'm tired.

Pills fall from the sky like rain.
I fall, and someone offers me a wheelchair and a glass of water.
The road becomes dark and I am wrapped in a blanket of stars
but the voices fill me with sadness....

My strength and my resolve ebbs for a time
but
it never leaves me......

I am in my winter.


I am a tree.
tall and strong...
My limbs are bare but the creatures of the forest take shelter in my branches.
I lift the hands that hang down.
I give the warmth of my smile to those who are cold and barren.

I put on my armor again,
the leaves that I dropped on the floor of the forest.
Voices from the past, present and future come to strengthen me.

I go out and look for Goliath in the hot desert sand.

I slay him with his own sword of doubt, apathy and indifference
and wait..........

Knowing

that spring will come
and I will

leave.....

Written for my friend, KT at Rock Canyon January 2008

The Day The Gummi Bear Saved My Life

So, I went to see this nine year old boy to do some bereavement counseling. He had just lost his grama and was having a hard time. I was sitting next to him on the back porch when his dog came over to say hello. "I really want you to see my dog!" the boy said. "He's a full blooded wolf!!." Great! I thought. Well, I love dogs and wolves aren't that different I guess. So this wolf dog sits there staring at me about three feet away, checking me out while I tried to talk to his human. It was an odd experience because it was like this creature had glued his eyes to my face and I'm wondering what he's thinking. All the time I'm trying to talk to the boy, I'm trying to ignore the wolf dog, but it started getting really hard because you could see a little snarl start forming on the side of his mouth and then you could hear a little low growlly sound. I was afraid to look at him but I quietly said, "Is your dog going to bite me?" "Oh no, he's harmless. He loves everybody!" The next thing I knew the dog springs forward and starts licking my chest, tail wagging. After my heart rate started to recover I looked down to see him licking a gummi bear that was stuck to the front of my shirt. I guess he figured that any woman who walks into a strangers home with candy stuck to her boob can't be all that bad.

Transforming into an angel

I got out of the car at twilight this morning. Nervous. More used to working with my heart than my hands. I went to help a dying patient with her morning routine and then I was told to help her get back in bed. I think this usually isn't a big deal for most people. In fact, I have a friend who can do this blindfolded with her hands tied behind her back. I usually sit back in awe of her ability to step in and do what is needed. Yes, M_____ you know who you are!!! When I came in the door this lady looked at me with eyes as big as saucers and she was breathing like a little baby bird. She looked at me and said, "You are my social worker. What are you doing here?" I said, don't think of me as your social worker. Today I'm your sister from another ward here to help you start your day. That seemed to help. As we moved through the routine I couldn't help but be amazed by how the body changes when we start the dying process. It's almost like the layers we build up start to dissolve and we become clear in more ways than one. At the end we were both staring into the bathroom mirror while she was brushing her hair. She set the brush down and looked at her hands. "I don't understand why my skin is so transparent and flaky. I don't like it." I looked at her and said, "You are transforming into an angel." As she looked back at me, a smile started to slowly spread across her face. "I like that answer." she said.

These are the moments in my job I live for.

People Need a Sense of Purpose

So I admitted this lady to the facility who weighs 460 pounds. Maybe that doesn't seem like such a big deal. In Utah it's very rare to find a place that will accept someone that large and it's unheard of to accept someone that size who has a diagnosis of depression. Apparently in my state, large people, people with a psych diagnosis and people with dementia are no longer welcome. The welcome mat is gone. Nursing homes are turning away these patients in droves because it's not worth the money to take care of them. A nursing home with a typical long term care patient on Medicaid gets reimbursed about 135.00 per day. Someone with dementia, someone who is morbidly obese and someone with a psych diagnosis (the usual Medicaid patient) requires a lot more care than some little petite lady with a broken hip who is there for a Medicare stay. The big difference is that the nursing home will get about 450.00 a day to take care of her.

Enough said about that!! Back to my lady friend who I will call Jean.

When the discharge planner at the hospital called me I asked how much she weighed. "How high does your scale go?" 400 pounds, I said. That's how much she weighs as luck would have it!! "Any behavior issues?" "None." So I said I'd take her.
Jean was one of the largest people I've ever seen. The first time I saw her I groaned on the inside thinking of the complaints I would hear from the CNAs. We soon discovered our scale wasn't big enough, so we had to go out and buy a new scale. Boy, this day wasn't going well!!!! At first she stayed in her room when she wasn't in therapy. I went by a couple of times that first week and encouraged her to come to the dining room and eat with the residents. Eventually she did and over time something amazing happened. Her whole countenance changed.
Today I stopped by her room and saw her busily working at her sewing machine. "Making another blanket I see." Yes, she was busy making and delivering blankets to the longterm residents. She had a big smile on her face as she showed me her latest creation. Earlier in the day I had seen her sitting in the lunchroom with a group of ladies talking and laughing. Here's basically what she said:

"Getting sick, going to the hospital and coming here is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my life. At home I was always alone. My husband is a long haul trucker so I don't see him much, and I was trapped inside my house because I was too big to go anywhere. I couldn't visit any of my friends from church because I couldn't do stairs and no one would ever come and see me and so I was really depressed. Coming here has opened my eyes to how much love people need and making these blankets is an expression of the love I feel inside. I have so much to give."

I have a dream. That someday people will be able to see beyond the number on the scale, beyond the diagnosis and really see the person on the inside. See their worth just like The Savior does. All people need love, care and a sense of purpose.