Monday, October 5, 2009

Dear Erin

You are probably wondering why I am writing you a letter on a blog. I'm not really sure why except I wanted to share a few things I've been thinking about lately and would rather not do it on the phone. Since I have made my blog private I feel like I can say more of what I need to say, so anyway, here goes.

I suppose as the big 50 approaches and life has changed and time marches on, I look at myself with a much more critical eye. I'm not thinking so much about what I see in the mirror as I am about what I think of myself on the inside. I realized some things the other day. One is that I started going to Weight Watchers in 2005, almost 5 years ago. During that time I have stopped and started. Stopped more than started and had some moderate success along the way. After almost 5 years I think I know what I need to do to lose weight. I just don't do it all the time like I should. One of the changes I've noticed is that I don't think so much about the future as I used to. The "future" to me feels like right now. These are the days when I still have my health and abilities, with a few exceptions, and I don't want to waste them. I've accomplished most of the important goals I've set for myself in life but there are still a few things I need improve upon.

I have a very busy life. Work takes up the most hours of the day followed by home. I don't like the way work chews into my life. Lately I have had a very difficult time getting home at a decent hour. I totally missed getting home in time to do my visiting teaching last month and I don't feel good about it. I want work to be finished around 4 or 5pm so that I can go home to my life and my other responsibilities. That is number 1.

Number 2 is my testimony of the Gospel. I have one. I've said it for years and have felt it for much of the time but I haven't studied. I haven't put myself out there and tried to earn it. I want to know the Savior better to feel his peace in my life and to do that I need to put more attention to scripture study and prayer. In the last six months I have been better about that and it has made a difference. I am reading a book about spiritual maturity and the author had a quote in there from Joseph Fielding Smith about the true laziness of people who don't study. I felt rebuked and am promising to do better. I have spent years of my life earning a secular education. I'm overdue to spend equal time on spiritual matters.

Number 3 is the need to develop discipline. I suppose discipline sums up what I want to develop most in my life right now. I don't know if getting to a particular weight is really what I want to focus all my energy on at the moment. However, I am keenly interested in being more disciplined about what I eat as well as getting regular exercise. I'm trying to go to bed earlier and get up earlier. That's really hard but I'm always glad I did it once I get there. I have also realized lately that I'm not capable of being disciplined on my own and recognized I need heavenly intervention. Today I was very tempted to stop at my favorite bakery to pick up some cookies. After a heartfelt prayer the temptation went away.

Number 4 and finally last is that I would really like to have a friend. I'm not good at the whole friend thing. In fact, I don't think I ever have been. I'm not exactly sure what my problem is but it is something I would like to change.

Anyway, I just want to finish up by telling you how much I love and appreciate you. I don't think I tell you that enough. Another thing I want to change.

Love you 4 ever,

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